How to Help a Child With Anxiety: A Parent-Centered Approach to Managing Children’s Anxiety

 Hi, everyone. I'm Tooba khan. I'm a blogger and studied in College. And in the next  

 We're going to be talking about  how to help your child with anxiety. Okay. So  

you've got a kid with anxiety. They might  struggle to go to school, or they're shy,  

or maybe they're dealing with stomachaches or  headaches or some other physical signs of anxiety,  

 

or maybe they throw a fit when it's time to go  to bed, or they cry and they cling to you when  

it's time to leave. And, you know, this breaks  your heart, right? You can see them suffering, and you would do anything to help them feel  better. Maybe you worry that anxiety is going  to plague them for the rest of their lives,  or maybe you're afraid that you gave them  your crappy anxiety genes or that you made them  anxious somehow. Now, I really want to emphasize  it is most likely not your fault that your child  is anxious. There are a lot of factors that go  into it, including personality and genetics and a  bunch of other things. Right? It's not your fault,  but there is something you can do about  it. Anxiety is absolutely treatable. Now, you probably want me to teach you skills for your  child, but research shows that intervening with  parents is more helpful than intervening  with kids. There are literally hundreds  of opportunities a week for you to show your  child how to manage anxiety. So in this video series I'm going to teach you how to change your  mindset around anxiety, and then in the next three  

 I'm going to teach you practical things  you can do to help your child with anxiety. So  are you on board? Are you willing to change  yourself and your framework to help your kid?  

 Awesome. Let's go. Here are four principles  for helping your anxious kid. 
Hey, real quick, if you'd like to learn more  skills for how to relate to your emotions

I've got a bunch that could help you with your  kids. One of them is How to Process Emotions,  

but another one is How to Help. Another one is  30 Days to Better Relationships. Then we've got  

a whole bunch of other courses that are helpful  for parents and just learning new skills to deal  

with your own feelings so that you can teach them  to your kids. So make sure to check those out,    

one: it is more effective to change parents'  approach to anxiety than to teach your kids skills  

1. It's more effective to help parents change their mindset around anxiety, than to only do therapy with a kid

or only send your child to therapy. You have 168  hours per week to interact with and influence your  

children, and kids absolutely look to their  parents to know how to respond to situations.  

Have you ever seen when a toddler falls down? The  first thing they do before they cry, before the

make a sound, is they look up and find the face  of their parent, and if their parent is like,  

"Oh, that's so funny," the kid might laugh or,  you know, just move on. Right? And if the parent  

is like, "Oh my gosh, that looked awful. Are  you hurt?" the kid believes that this was a  

life-threatening event, and a lot of times they'll  start like crying or something. So children and  

people in general, they scan the faces of the  people around them to know how to interpret  

events and to know whether they are safe and  capable of overcoming the situations around them.  

Now, to be fair, most parents aren't sure what to  do with their own anxiety. No one taught us how to  

have a healthy relationship with anxiety, much  less how to teach our kids what to do with it.  

And you know that as a parent like everything  that your child feels you feel it double.  

Right? If they're hurt, you hurt. If they're  happy, you're happy. And if they're anxious,  

you feel anxious. Many of us have been taught that  it's bad to feel anxious, so we accidentally teach  

our kids that feeling anxiety is dangerous or bad,  that having a feeling itself, just the feeling,  

is a threat. We subconsciously teach them that  anxiety is dangerous. And the media is not

helpful. Right? There's so many stories out there  about how bad anxiety is and how anxious kids are  

and how mental health is so terrible. And I think  this is a little bit of a self-fulfilling prophecy  

because the more fear we have around anxiety the  more problems we create around it. So we're going  

to talk more about that as we go on. Um so  going back to the first mindset with parents:  

if your child is, let's say, nervous to go into  preschool, and you worry that this is going to  

be really terrible if they're anxious, so  then you get really anxious and scared,  

and then you hesitate to send them to  preschool, you decide not to send them,  

you send the message to your child that preschool  must actually be a dangerous place, and they're  

gonna respond by accentuating the crying and  clinging behaviors because they look to you and  

they see that you feel anxious about it, and then  they believe that preschool is actually dangerous.  

So I'm not saying that you need to be like  stone-cold emotionless and unfeeling with your 

kids. Quite the opposite. Instead, I want you  to model what to do with difficult emotions. So  

you could say something like, "Oh, it's hard for  mommy to say goodbye too, but I know that you'll  

have a great time after I leave. And I will miss  you, but I know that I can see you soon. I love  

you." And then the ultimate form of communication  is when you confidently walk away from your child,  

even if they're crying, or even if they're  anxious. You demonstrate to your child that  

you are absolutely confident that they are safe  and that you trust that they can handle it. And  

you come back and pick them up later and you say,  "Oh, I'm, I knew you'd have a great time. I missed  

you. And I'm so glad to see you again. I'm so  proud of you for doing that hard thing." And their  

confidence grows over time. Now, just to be clear,  I'm going to teach you a bunch of strategies to  

help them go to school and to help them calm  down and to help them manage their anxiety,  

but the first most important thing we talk  about is your mindset. Kids look to you to  

know how to respond to stimuli. You can teach  them to have a healthy relationship with fear  

and anxiety. So instead of teaching them to  avoid anything that makes them anxious you  

can teach them to have a good relationship with  their emotions. Now, if you want to do therapy,  

go to a therapist who teaches you how to relate  to your own anxiety and gives you the skills to  

support your child instead of just sending your  child to school for their anxiety. One of the big  

mistakes that parents make around anxiety is  worrying that anxiety itself will harm their  

child. We get really worried about our kids being  worried, or we worry that anxiety is going to  

ruin their lives. We basically are afraid of fear  itself. So that takes us to number two: the second  

super-important mindset to have around anxiety is  that anxiety is not a negative emotion; it's just  

2. Anxiety is not a "negative" emotion

an emotion. It happens to be an uncomfortable  emotion, but it's not bad. Every emotion serves  

a function. The function of anxiety is to make us  ask the question, "Is this dangerous? And should I  

take some action to ensure safety?" And then our  body makes sure that you pay attention by giving  

you these strong physical sensations. I want my  kids to have occasional anxiety. I want anxiety 

to give them a little nudge before crossing  the street. That makes them ask, "Is it safe  

to cross the street right now?" I want my kids to  feel some anxiety when hiking near cliffs or when  

climbing trees. I want my kids to have anxiety  ask them that question so that they can make an  

intentional choice about which activities are  safe, which activities are risky but worth it,  

and what steps they should take to ensure their  safety, and then which activities they should  

avoid. Right? The problem is not the anxiety;  it's when we label anxiety as the danger. So  

instead of thinking, "Oh, it must be so awful and  dangerous for my child to feel anxiety," think,  

"Oh, it's okay to have feelings, but I don't  have to act on them." So instead of thinking,  

"I need my child to never feel anxious. I need  to fix it if my child feels scared," instead of  

thinking, "I need to protect them from this  dangerous emotion" and thinking that anxiety  

is going to hurt your child - it's not going to.  Like, anxiety, a feeling itself is uncomfortable,  

but it's not dangerous. Anxiety will  not harm your child by itself. Now,  

a bad relationship with anxiety can harm your  child. And that means like avoiding anything  

that makes them anxious. Yes, that will harm your  child. Right? Letting anxiety make your decisions,  

letting anxiety boss your children around, will  interfere with their happiness. But just feeling  

anxiety will not harm you. So your tendency when  your kid is scared to go to sleep is to help make  

that anxiety go away by letting them sleep in  your bed. Or when they're anxious about meeting  

new people it's to like let them avoid that:  "Oh, you don't have to meet new people. Oh,  

you don't have to go to that place if it makes  you feel anxious." Right? But the truth is that  

like avoiding anxiety and triggers actually makes  anxiety worse, not better. They don't learn to be  

independent, they don't learn the skills to talk  with people, and that's more harmful in the long  

run than a feeling. So instead, your new mindset,  mindset number two, is to think, "I can handle  

feeling this emotion, and so can my child." I  can make space to feel this and still be okay.  

So some of the things you might say - and  we're going to go like a lot more into this  

in the second video - are, "It's okay to feel a  little nervous, honey, but you got this." "Oh,  

this feels scary, huh? Sometimes I feel  scared too. What what will you choose to do?"  

Or to ask, "Oh, are you a little worried about  what's going to happen today at the doctor's?  

That's okay. Let's talk about it. So instead  of saying like, "Oh, it's so terrible to feel  

anxious," say, "This this is tricky. This feels  uncomfortable, huh?" Or, "This looks a little  

hard for you, but I'm here. We can face this  together." And so what you're doing is you're  

showing them that you're not scared of feelings.  When you connect with them even when they're  

feeling anxious instead of you personally trying  to escape it by protecting them or enabling them  

to avoid their feelings, you teach them that they  can handle it too, because you're modeling that  

you can handle your anxiety around their anxiety.  When we learn to have a good relationship with our  

feelings in general, when we get really good at  feeling them, then a lot of times these feelings  

just pass along on their merry way. It's only when  we resist or suppress emotions or we give into  

emotions by avoiding situations that emotions  start to control our lives. Dr. Becky Kennedy  

says, "I don't know any kids who grow into adults  and say, 'Good thing my parents did everything  

perfectly because now I never feel any anxiety  ever.' No," she says, "good parents don't prevent  

their kids from feeling anxiety; they teach their  kids how to relate to anxiety, how to interact  

with anxiety in a healthy way, in a way that gives  them more choice and more power in their lives."  

It teaches them a sense of self-efficacy, a belief  in their own resilience. So our goal is to wire  

our kids to have a resilient relationship with  emotions, not to wire our kids to just get rid of  

anxiety, because, one, it doesn't work, and two,  it sends the message that is society is dangerous,  

which it isn't; it's just uncomfortable.  Okay. Now let's talk about number three.  

3. Being sensitive is a neutral trait, not negative

Okay. Being sensitive is not a negative trait,  but you may be thinking, "Oh, my kid is super  

sensitive. They are really anxious. They are  too anxious. This can't be healthy." Right?  

Well, it depends on how you look at it. Kids are  born with personalities. There are many types. But  

some kids are born more sensitive, more anxious,  more cautious. And I have a kid like that. I  

probably was that kid too. Right? In our Western  culture we've been programmed to believe that this  

is a negative trait, that being sensitive is  a bad word. But I'm gonna disagree with that.  

Being sensitive is a trait, and the world needs  sensitive people, people who are attuned to  

others, people who notice when things are going  wrong before they've gone too far, people who are  

gentle and sensitive and quiet and thoughtful.  Being sensitive is a gift, not a weakness. And  some of the most impactful people in history have  been highly sensitive, and that trait helped them  

change the world for good. I'm going to give two  examples: Gandhi and Einstein. Mahatma Gandhi was  

a highly sensitive person. He felt the pains of  his fellow Indians suffering under colonial rule,  

but instead of leading like a violent revolution,  he used his sensitivity and empathy to power  

his non-violent resistance movement, which  ultimately led to India's independence. But  because he felt deeply and he empathized with  other people he was able to connect with people  

from all walks of life, and he inspired and  motivated people to join his cause by appealing  

to their emotions and their sense of morality.  Okay. Albert Einstein was known for his deep  

sensitivity and his emotional intelligence which  allowed him to approach scientific problems from a  

unique perspective. He was able to think deeply  about complex issues and question traditional  

assumptions in his field, and this ultimately  led to groundbreaking discoveries in physics.  

Einstein was also deeply empathetic, and he  advocated against war and violence. His emotional  

intelligence made him a really good communicator,  which helped him explain complex scientific ideas  

to the general public. So overall, Einstein's deep  sensitivity was a crucial part of his scientific  

and humanitarian achievements, and he used it  to make a positive impact in the world. So being  

sensitive is a personality trait, but knowing  what to do with emotions is a skill that can  

be learned. We're all born with tons of huge  emotions, and there's no handbook. Right? But  

little by little, with the right guidance, we can  learn practical skills to get better at feeling.  

So I'm going to challenge you to look for the  gifts your deeply feeling child has. And if you  

struggle to see them I want you to do your  own work. Read the book Quiet or The Highly  

Sensitive Person or take Dr Becky's class  on deeply feeling kids. I'm also going to  

invite you to consider changing how you talk  about your child. So instead of describing  

your child as dramatic or needy, use words like  deeply feeling, intense, caring, or observant,  

and just check yourself for your own biases  and your own defense mechanisms. Did you by chance have to suppress your own deep feelings to  survive growing up? Did you have to create walls  to keep those deep feelings from surfacing?  And have those walls impacted you negatively  in your other relationships or in your work? Your  child may have a message for you. The children we struggle with as parents are often there to teach  us about our own blind spots, our own unhealed  wounds. So instead of seeing them as disordered,  ask the question, "What can I learn from them?"  Parenting is just a wonderful opportunity to do  our own work. And that takes us to the fourth  point. So let's talk about the anxiety cycle real  quick. Anxiety is a natural and helpful emotion  

4. The anxiety cycle, when we avoid anxiety, it growsthat's supposed to protect us from real physical  danger, like rattlesnakes and cliffs. But when  we feel anxious about things that are actually  safe, like public speaking or social situations,  

and then we avoid those situations, we actually  increase our anxiety. So when we interpret a  situation as potentially dangerous, like a strange  dog, and then we avoid it, our brain sends out  this rush of relief, as if to say, "Oh, that was  close. I could have died." But our brain doesn't  stop there. It then says, "Oh, let's make my human  do that again so I can survive the next time."  So our brain then increases our anxiety around a  situation. Avoidance of things that we think maybe dangerous actually makes our anxiety grow and  grow, but that's because avoidance feels good in the short term. It can feel kind of addictive, and  that leads us to feeling more and more anxiety,which spirals into a situation where our world is  shrinking as we avoid more and more situations.  

This is the anxiety spiral. Can you  see it in yourself or with your kids?  A lot of people who get trapped in cycles  of social avoidance and school avoidance and agoraphobia are really just trapped in a shrinking  world where the more they avoid their anxiety, the less they have in their life, and then the  more anxiety they have. Now, the good news is  that just as the brain learns that something is  dangerous when we avoid it, it can also learn that  something is actually safe when we face it and  survive. Our brain's inherent ability to rewire  itself is called neuroplasticity. So this means  that we can change the physical structure of our  

Anxiety disorders in children are absolutely treatablebrain by changing how we think and how we act.  So in essence the most powerful and effective  

way to combat anxiety is to distinguish between  real and perceived danger and then to gradually  face those fears instead of avoiding them. When  we do this our brain learns that we're safe,  and it actually decreases our anxiety levels.  Just to summarize: as parents we feel double whatever our child feels, and because of that we  can fall into the pattern of desperately trying  to help them escape their discomfort by trying to  rescue them from anxiety. But the more we rescue them from anxiety-provoking situations, the more  we send the message that this is dangerous or you  can't handle it on your own, and that actually  wires our children's brains to be more anxious.  An anxiety disorder is not a permanent trait.  While being sensitive may be somewhat hardwired, generalized anxiety is not a purely genetic trait.  It's a scale. It's not an on/off switch. Like,  you can learn the skills to turn the volume down  on anxiety so that it no longer runs your child's  

Summary of how to help an anxious child

life. You and your child can actually be highly  functional, successful, and happy, even if you're  highly sensitive. So just to summarize: the most  effective way to help kids with anxiety is to  help parents develop a new framework because they  model for the kids 168 hours a week how to relate  to emotions. Kids look to parents to know how to  respond to stimuli. We can model to them that they can handle the challenges they face, like school  and public situations and bedtimes. And it can be  helpful here to have a mantra like, "Oh, we  can do hard things." Number two: anxiety is  not a bad emotion. It's just a messenger asking  us to consider whether something is safe and to  carefully choose our actions. So use words like  "tricky" or "difficult" or "uncomfortable" instead  of "bad" or "terrible." Number three: being  anxious or sensitive is not a negative trait,  so look for your child's gifts and acknowledge  them. Number four: avoiding anxiety-inducing  situations actually makes anxiety worse. It's,  instead it's our job as parents to help our kids  develop confidence in their ability to face their  fears. So we just have to have a new mindset,  something like this: It's okay to feel  anxious, but we can choose our actions.  

In the next three videos we're going to move into  some really practical skills you can use to help  your kids work through anxiety and actually  decrease it over time. So make sure to stay  tuned. 

how to help their kids with anxiety. So if you'd  like to learn more, make sure to check that out.  

Okay. Hope that's helpful. Thank  you for watching, and take care.